by Debbie Bonilla
I’m a 58-year-old single mother of 3 and
grandma of one. My parents are from Puerto Rico, I was born and raised in
Cambridge, MA. I am a survivor of domestic violence and now a breast cancer
survivor.
In March
of 2023, I went for my yearly physical. As the doctor walked through the door,
the first thing she asked me was if I’d got my mammogram yet and the truth is I
had not. I canceled my Mammogram appointment 3 times in the last year because
of work. I didn’t prioritize myself. I told her that I did not but promised
that I would when I got home. She said, “Why
don’t you just go upstairs today since you’re here and just get it out of the
way?” I jumped on that offer since I knew it would be hard for me to come
back. She examined me after she wrote up my order. If she felt a lump while
examining me, she didn’t tell me. I left her office and went upstairs for my
mammogram. I left and went on with my day. The following week I got a call that
they had found something and wanted me to come back for an ultrasound. This
wasn’t unusual for me because I have dense breast tissue. I went in on a
Friday and while getting the ultrasound, I could tell by the doctor’s behavior
that something was wrong, but they didn’t say the word “cancer”. They told me
that a biopsy needed to be done and they wanted to do it on Monday.
The urgency had me nervous. I was told to go to the front desk and make an appointment for Monday. The first available appointment was a couple of months out. I told them the doctor wanted me to come in on Monday. They said they’d see what they could do. Trying to stay calm and keep busy, I went shopping. I decided to grab lunch, and as I was ordering, my primary doctor called to check on me and to see if I had any questions. I thought that was unusual. I didn’t think they knew it was cancer because I didn’t have the biopsy yet. I decided to ask if they could tell by the ultrasound if it was cancer. She responded, “Yes, it’s cancer”. I felt sick to my stomach. My food went directly into the trash. I thought about my kids and my parents - how will I tell them? Who will take care of my son? I thought I was going to die within months because of this diagnosis. I went to the worst place possible. I was shocked, scared, and angry. I told my doctor she needed to help schedule my biopsy for Monday. Two months out is unacceptable. Within a few minutes, I got a phone call from the doctor's office. My biopsy was scheduled for Monday. I cried on my way home - I could not believe I had cancer. I told my 32-year-old daughter, Pariss, what the doctor said. She refused to believe it until the biopsy was done. I spoke to two of my closest cousins and two of my closest friends. They all listened to me and tried their best to comfort me.
That Sunday, while on the phone with a friend, I scratched the top of my left breast. I felt the lump! At that point, I lost all hope of it being non-cancerous. On Monday I felt scared and brave if that makes sense. Brave because I was going to let them do what they needed to get samples of the tissue and scared because I knew it was going to come back cancerous. They gave me shots to numb the area. I felt a lot of pressure and heard lots of clicking noises as they took samples and then inserted a marker, so they knew where it was located. After the biopsy, I had another mammogram to make sure they could see the marker. I went home feeling very sad but had to act normal so the kids wouldn’t ask questions. The waiting to hear back was hard. I heard nothing on Tuesday and Wednesday. During a team meeting my phone rang - it was the nurse. She told me it was cancer and though they have not officially staged it, she thought it was stage 2 and early detection. I was devastated to receive the news and a little relieved that it was an early detection. She couldn’t tell me much more because not all the results were back.
Appointments were made with the surgical oncologist whose job is to remove the mass either by performing a lumpectomy or a mastectomy (there are many types of this surgery), and with the plastic surgeon who will perform reconstruction surgery. My surgical oncologist recommended the best surgery for me was a lumpectomy with reconstruction on my left breast and a reduction on my right breast performed by the plastic surgeon after the mass was removed. At that time, she staged the cancer at 1b, early detection. She didn’t think I needed chemo but would need radiation. As she went over my results with me and my sister-in-law who is a nurse and worked in oncology, she said I was in the best situation possible. I felt better about that because I originally thought they were going to tell me I needed to have a double mastectomy and chemo which meant hair loss.
Pariss and I decided to have a family dinner to tell the kids and my 10-year-old grandson, Sevee. That was one of the hardest and saddest days of my life. Pariss prepared a presentation to show the kids the kind of cancer I had and the survival rates. It was helpful. Next, I prepared to tell my parents. I remember my mom taking in what I was telling her, and she had many questions and lots of advice. I saw her strength at that moment. Then she came from around the counter and just hugged me and told me everything was going to be OK and prayed for me while she held me. She let my dad know and we reassured him I would be fine. I was able to let friends, family, and my team at work know after that.
In May, I had my surgery. The day before, I had surgery, I said bye to my boobs and even took a picture of them. It was a difficult moment. I loved my boobs! It was a day surgery which is crazy to me. I was in the hospital all day and they performed the surgery early in the evening. I think I was in surgery for six hours. I went home that evening.
I was angry at work, and I realized it was me who chose to put work before my health. I should’ve never canceled those appointments. The last mammogram I had was in 2019. I couldn’t believe it. COVID got in the way for a couple of years, I could’ve gone in 2022. I believe things happen the way they’re supposed to happen. I’m so fortunate to have an incredible circle of friends and family that have been supportive throughout the entire process.
I had the surgery in May. I looked at myself as I was taking my shower and at first, I didn’t like what I saw but as days went by things got easier. I’m okay the way I look now but I do miss the boobs I had. I took six weeks to recover from the surgery. I remember getting a call from the nurse and she told me that the pathology test came back and I might need chemo. I needed radiation and will have to take medication for 5 to 10 years. I was really scared of chemo because of how sick it made people. Also, the thought of losing my hair hurt just as much as losing my boobs. My pathology results showed that chemo was not needed.
I will have another surgery next spring. I recently started taking medication to lower my chances of reoccurrence. I started feeling some of the side effects of the medicine including bone pain, headaches, and fatigue. I will be on medication for the next 5 to 10 years of my life.
I appreciate life. I’m not waiting to do things that bring me joy, like traveling. I have set boundaries around my time. I listen to my body. I don’t worry about things I used to. I’m looking for a therapist because it’s important to talk about my experience. I have joined a couple of breast cancer groups which have been very helpful. I always love being with my family and friends and hanging out with my kids. I try to stay positive and upbeat but sometimes I feel sad, depressed, desperate, anxious, and scared. I stretch, exercise, and eat healthy 95% of the time. I love sweets and bread! I treat myself sometimes.
For me, it’s important to share my life experiences with people. I want them to know that they are not alone. I can empathize with them. I never assume my journey is the same as someone else's journey. My advice to you is please make your health a priority. Get your mammogram done. If something doesn’t feel right, let your doctor know and if you feel you need a second opinion, get one.
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